[Why I Believe "It’s Not About You" and "Put Others First” Is Often AWFUL Advice]
"It’s not about you” they say, “You must put others first” they say.
I see the point of both of those sentences, but for years they lead me astray.
See, without really realising I followed the essence of those two statements pretty blindly.
For years…decades even (okay so only 2 decades), I would put the needs and desires of others first.
I would go to events others wanted to go to because I thought it would make them happy.
I would eat at restaurants that others had suggested or recommended because I wanted them to enjoy themselves.
I wouldn’t voice my opinions openly or honestly because I didn’t want to risk hurting their feelings.
I would let people TELL me how to live my life, what I wanted, what I needed, where I wanted to go or how I wanted to get there because I wanted them to know I valued their opinions.
I would try to find new strings to add to my bow in order to make people like me more and to become more interesting because people want to know interesting people.
I was what you would call a ‘people pleaser’.
In some ways I still am, “old habits die hard” and all that.
If I’m honest I thought by following the crowd I would experience GREATER acceptance, GREATER connection and GREATER care from the people in my lives.
I thought that by having the same interests as others I would be MORE interesting, they would want to spend MORE time with me or that they would like me MORE.
It’s true, for the most part they did like me more, they did accept me more and they did spend more time with me.
But no matter how much I tried to fit in, there was one person that I COULDN’T seem to connect with and that didn’t want to know the TJ that followed the crowd.
No matter how much I tried I always felt DEFICIENT in acceptance, DEFICIENT in connection and DEFICIENT in care.
Although others seemed to like me more, accept me more and spend more time with me, this one person liked me LESS, this one person accepted me LESS and this one person wanted to spend LESS time with me.
I all my efforts to please everyone else, I managed to do the exact opposite to THE most important person in my life.
The ONE person who is ALWAYS there and ALWAYS will be.
In focusing on spending all my time effort and energy trying to please EVERYONE I managed to piss off my BIGGEST fan.
In trying to please EVERYONE I had alienated MYSELF.
In fact, when I boil it all down, I can attribute the failure of EVERY relationship I have EVER had to my tendency to put the other person first.
Which was a pretty tough pill to swallow.
See when I do things to please OTHERS I never really considered my OWN needs and desires.
Unsurprisingly, because I never considered my own needs and desires I often found myself not enjoying the situation.
I often ended up LOATHING myself for going along with a plan that I had NO interest in.
The more I tried to please people and avoid conflict, the less connected to life I felt and the more I felt like I was lost.
And I found it REALLY hard to get un-lost when I was listening to everyone else’s directions.
Fortunately, I had done CONSIDERABLE work on myself so that I communicate with myself a LOT more now and tend to do things for MYSELF a lot more now SO THAT I can contribute to the lives of others.
It makes coming back from ‘lost’ MUCH easier if there is only one voice to listen to.
So when we hear “It’s not about you” and “put others first” I believe we actually hear is “others are MORE important than you” and “put yourself LAST”.
Which in my eyes is a SUREFIRE way to help people disconnect, reject and disregard
And I TRULY believe that most people are unhappy with their lives BECAUSE they are disconnected, rejected and disregarded by themselves.
But that is just what I believe, what do YOU believe?
Truth, Joy, Love
P.s. I would love to hear more about what you believe over in my tribe! Hit up the link below to join…if you want to…