• TJ

[How I Destroyed Every Relationship I’ve Ever Had]

Sounds quite dramatic doesn't it? I didn’t purposefully destroy any of them, but I did play a major and pivotal role in their destruction. The way I behaved, thought and spoke about my relationships and my girlfriends at the time, I realise now, was NOT a healthy view of a relationship. In my relationships all the way up to and including the ones I formed at university, weren’t built in the healthiest of ways. Not on my part anyway. See I was building my side of the relationship with a sense of needing to put them first and foremost, their needs and desires came first. I would allow them to choose where we ate, what activities we did, who we hung out with, where we hung out, when we did stuff together and when we were apart. I was scared to make decisions because I feared their judgement, feared they would reject my decision and therefore reject me. I wasn’t confident that I was enough, so I tried to build by confidence in always giving to them. I don’t really like to use the term ‘power’ when talking about relationships, but for lack of a better term, I gave them ALL the power. The ball was firmly in their court and I didn’t REALLY want anything to do with the ball. All too often I would disappear from my own friends, not because I didn’t value them or want to be a part of their lives, purely because I was so concerned that spending time with my friends would lead to the relationship deteriorating. I was unable to stick up for myself when disagreements broke out and I was always first to back down in an argument, irrespective of my views, beliefs and opinions, I would always succumb to my girlfriends point of view. I would squash, suppress and surrender my opinions on anything if it differed with theirs, so as not to rock the boat and not to cause friction. Basically I did everything within my power to try and make the relationship as positive, fun and happy as possible. I hope as you are reading this your are thinking “how fucking naive was he?!”, because I was. More than being naive though, I was deluded in my beliefs and thinking. I believed that meeting someone that you genuinely connected with, shared similar ideas and views about the world and, of course, couldn’t wait to jump into bed with was rare. I believed that when you met someone like that, that you MUST give yourself over to them and do whatever it takes to keep the relationship alive. Where did it end up? Nine times out of ten it would result in a growing feeling or resentment for them, I would detach and retract from the relationship. I would feel I was losing myself, my identity and my individuality. Sometimes this retraction would cause friction, tension and BIG arguments. Other times it would go unnoticed until one day I would turn around and drop the bombshell that I wanted out and I was off. The person who I had come to adore and in many cases love, now grated on me, with only flashes of the desire I had felt initially. At first I was oblivious to my delusion, I was adamant that I was not at fault. Later at university, when the pattern persisted, I started to acknowledge that my ‘mysterious’ checking out was a constant trait of my relationships. Now, I fully understand and appreciate the depths of my own involvement in the demise of my relationships. In striving to avoid conflict, cultivate a positive relationship and keep the relationships going, I actually condemned them to an eventual end. Am I saying that I was solely at fault, not at all, but I am saying that I was a major, if not the MAIN conspirator in each and every destroyed relationship. What I now realised is that if I had done more to nature myself and my own interests at the time, I wouldn’t have had that feeling of wanting to disconnect. I wouldn’t have retracted from the relationships and I wouldn’t have ‘suddenly’ wanted out. The relationships may have eventually ended anyway, but the nature of the end would have been very different and I wouldn’t have felt like I needed to nearly completely rebuild myself after each one. The lessons I have learnt from each and every one of my relationships have been invaluable and I truly am grateful for each any every one of them, however long or brief. What I didn’t know then, that I know now, is that only I can go at the core of MY cosmos, and every time I’m not, it only leads to frustration, irritation and exasperation, for both me and everyone around me. What I know now is that whenever I’m not confident I’m enough, I MUST go inwards to seek and summon the confidence I need. What I know now is that confidence comes from within, searching for it outside of myself means I go without. Have you been searching for your confidence outside of yourself and in your relationships? Truth, Joy, Love TJ ✌🏻 P.s. This isn't a 'woe is me' post, but I felt the lesson I learnt was an important one to share. I actually don't resent or regret any of the relationships I have been in, they were all beautiful in their own way and in their own time. I actually genuinely hope each and every one of them are doing well and are happy. I just also happen to be acutely aware of my role in them coming to an end, something I also am EXTREMELY grateful for.

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